Every year as the season comes to a close I debate whether this is my last year. How much did I enjoy the season this time around? Well, I can honestly say this has been the least enjoyable season so far. Not because of the quality of the team. Au contraire this team equals the best teams I’ve ever played on. Not because of any other reason than I have lost a lot of the motivation I once had. The desire to win has dissipated in a league where winning is key.
I did enjoy the games, but only after I got to the game and started warming up. Leading up to the day, and on the day of, I had a sensation akin to dread that left me saying over and over in my head “Crap, there’s a game coming up. I don’t want to play”.
Now, Sonia hears this all the time and know me better than I know myself. Once I’m there and playing I’m as competitive as ever. And I’m hitting the ball as good as I ever have. In fact, before this year I think I’ve only had 1 or 2 out of the park HRs on the NCR diamonds. This year alone I’ve had 4 or 5 and they’ve been spread out on all the diamonds. So what’s the problem?
Most of it is the incosistent playing time. As opposed to playing every game in past seasons, this year Sonia and I have each played about half the games. For me, this results in games where it sometimes takes a few ABs to get a decent hit. But more importantly, my fielding is not what it used to be. And that results in lack of confidence. Which results in a sense of dread leading up to games. I don’t want my inconsistencies to hurt the team.
I see my future in baseball continuing on the trend of fewer chances to play in a season and hence a decrease in the quality of my game. The family is now bigger and priorities have changed. It would be nice to use that night of baseball for something else – especially when OG starts going off to play sports herself, or whatever extra-curricular events pop up. To eliminate this commitment to ball is a very appealing notion.
If I can’t play regularly I degrade – and then I compare myself to what I used to be and get frustrated knowing the potential I’m unable to achieve. When faced with this reality, pro players retire, so shouldn’t I? I haven’t entertained ideas of playing a more recreational version of the game, but right now it doesn’t feel like a good idea.