Everybody who has a septic tank instead of city sewage facilities will most likely have a story about their septic experiences and it will most likely be an unpleasant one. I have such a story that I would like to tell that recounts a tragic tale so foul and deceitful that it simply cannot be flushed down the toilet of history and forgotten. Actually, it’s just a story about how much of a pain it is to have a septic system instead of a nice 20th century sewage system.
It all started one day quite some time ago when I was sitting on my deck trying to ponder upon some irony or peculiarity but instead cursing and wondering what idiot neighbour had need of a serious septic purge. As the days and months went by and the smell would come and go it began to seem a little odd. Sonia was also noticing the aroma and it was beginning to get a little bit uncomfortable.
It turns out that idiot neighbour was the guy who lives next door to my neighbour. Yep, you guessed it. It was me!
So we called a septic guy with the listed business “The Septic Guy”. We figured with a name like that he’s gotta know a thing or 2 about septic. He quoted reasonable prices and followed the same model any of the other places do: about $150 to come out, locate and excavate the holes to the tank and then another 200 to clean it out – the fun part of the job.
For those of you who are not familiar with a septic system and are not really concerned what happens to the stuff that disappears when you flush the toilet, you can go here to get an in depth understanding of the miracles of sewage and the magic journey it takes when it goes down the drain. If you’re not interested you still need to know a bit about septic to appreciate the story: Effluvient (i.e. waste) goes down drain into tank buried somewhere in yard. Tank is fairly large and can hold years of waste. How many years is variable but typically needs to be cleared out every 5 years. Solids and liquids build up in the tank. Liquids drain out of tank into soil via a weeping bed which is a primitive filtration system that is also buried under the ground somewhere near the tank and on your property. It is fairly easy to find the weeping bed area in the dry times of summer. It’s under that oasis of beautiful plush green grass in that sea of dead and dormant vegetation some people call a lawn.
If you don’t have the plans to your home or never spoke with the previous owner it is no easy task to locate the 2 openings to the septic. I know, I tried. I had no idea where to look even knowing the whereabouts of the weeping bed. The holes are typically about 3×3 and normally buried under a couple feet of ground. After some brief pokings with a stick I gave up. I’ll pay that $150 thank you very much.
Now the story takes a turn. The septic guy came out all ready to excavate. He didn’t bother excavating: his NOSE lead him onto my deck where, after looking through the cracks between the planks, he noticed 2 EXPOSED septic holes directly beneath the floor. It turns out the previous owner of the house is in fact the purest living definition of an idiot. Yet another half-assed project he completely screwed up. The holes were exposed because he didn’t do what almost anyone with a non-detached brain and spine would do: cover the holes up with proper covers. I don’t count 1/4 inch non-treated pieces of plywood placed loosely on top of the holes to be ‘properly covered’. After 6 years these coverings were completely rotted through and hence the pungent aroma that popped up on those nice breezy days.
So, after pulling off four 16ft 2×6 boards that were nailed (not screwed) onto the deck, the holes were exposed enough for the septic guy to do his septic thing. This weekend, 4 new boards are going to be screwed back onto the deck for easier access the next time around. What did the idiot think when he built his deck? That if the septic system was out of sight he wouldn’t have to deal with it again?
The kicker to the story is this: The septic tank is corroding. It’s dying. Back in the day (25 yrs ago) the septic tanks being used where not made with materials meant to last a long time containing contents that you do NOT want flowing into the yard. So, it’s going to need to be replaced. What does that mean? In a few years I will need to remove my deck (I really hate that idiot) so that the old tank can be dug up and replaced with a new one. Estimated cost: $20000 – that’s twenty thousand dollars for those of you who didn’t count all the zeros. Not including the cost to remove my deck and then build another one on top. Yes, I am going to build another one on top because the new tank will last until long after I’m dead.
The uber-kicker is that we are thinking of getting a pool in the back yard. The septic guy (who I’m not convinced is right here) mentioned that the surveyor who would come out to inspect pool location, etc. would need to assess the septic and would probably not allow the pool installation until the tank was replaced. Ouch. We are now exploring above ground pool possibilities.
Thus ends my tale of crapitude. The moral of the story is if you buy a house that has septic, be prepared to recount your story someday too.
